A Way to Live

https://release.landr.com/991048786554

If I met me, then I would treat them better than I've been treated...
Well, that happened... I stand corrected.

I mean, like every proverbial box I had opened to be ticked, she ticked them.

• Is goth, writes dark, sensual poetry - check, check
• Can hang with deep conversation - check
• Fancies my sounds, and has something substantial to say about them - check
• Openly receives my gushing about her art, genuine appreciation - check
• Warm, loving, intuitive, spontaneous - check, check, check, check
• I won't go into the gory details - aaand check!

One of the last things I said to her was, in a nutshell "If, for it to be that good sometimes, it has to be so extraordinarily bad all other times, then I want none of it"
I've had similar statements made to me throughout my life, and I couldn't (didn't) see where such a thing could be coming from... how could they be so cruel? how am I being squozen out of my own life? If I'm the shiny, golden god they told me I was, then why do they want me gone so badly?
Granted, nothing is 100% on any one person, and I did ignore all the red flags. I did mislead her by way of my own forced ignorance. I finally had the nice thing I've given to others being given to me, and nothing would get in the way of that.

I'd stopped giving that ^ and have been fighting through the individuation process. It's a lot of work (oh, poor me, I know). As I discover new parts of myself and integrate them, it hurts (oh, poor me I know); this pain makes it real, makes it me. Something I will not (cannot) give up for someone else, at any cost.

Where did it all go so wrong you ask? (maybe you didn't) I'll tell you. No fucking idea.
It could be the open hostility towards all who are outside our little artistic duo, neighbors and strangers alike. Construing even a passing salutation as an attack on our integrity.
It could be the demands that I adapt to her vision, immediately following placating remarks about my artistic brilliance.
It could be the arrogant weaponizing of minor achievements.
It could be the constant recalling of past misfortune in step with every present blessing. Filling every quiet moment with strife.
Dear god, is this what I am (was hopefully; healing I think)? How would anyone put up with this thwarting of all that is good and human?... they wouldn't, and I didn't.

I'm further convinced that all things happen in their right time and place. If I hadn't been at least this far along in my 'journey of individuation' (<- wow, what the fuck?!), then I wouldn't have had the perspective needed to rid myself of this leech... Just sit with that one for a sec.
I can't blame my mother anymore, as it's a bad look, so I have to be a dick. Being so, feels better and better the further along I go on this 'journey of individuation'!

The 'being chosen' allure is real, but it's not worth your sovereignty (eww, lots of yuck this time).

--------------------------------
The more I merge soul and body (ehh, yuck!), the less I feel the need to, in great, lascivious detail, describe the work before proceeding with the work.
I didn't do any world building for "A Way to Live" other than a couple of mixing notes. Almost, or maybe exactly in spite of the artistic demands coming my way during.
These are the 'pictures' I drew: